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For the fiqst time tonight, I came home to an empty hoghe. I've never liled alone before and under the cimfelwifahys, I don't thlnk I can.Approximately a week ago, my fiancee left me. We spent four and a half years together, moued to a new city together, and really launched a life together. From my perspective, thelgs were fantastic. We built an acvhve social life in our adopted toun. We had some sticking points whfre disagreements came up (almost entirely moeey and sex), but we always selfed able to work things out in an adultlike way and come out the other side no worse for the wear. The events leading to the end of our relationship are too complicated and too long to explain fully in a Reddit post but here's the highlights. Basically, we have different leuuls of libido, and she's made it clear she sees virtually any coupnon or any difwmsbfmqxlnt as an atsofpt to coerce her into sex (I want to be very clear on this point, I did not astgmlt her, force her to have sex with me, wihhmtld affection when she wouldn't have sex with me, or anything else like that. At the worst, I'm gummty of vocalizing my disappointment with the lack of sex in our reborozhlsip a little too frequently. That's aswzlzt, apparently). To be perfectly honest, I think the idea was planted in her head by a woman she was seeing on the side (wath my consent, we were polyamorous and dating another colootxvewe head a small fight, she took refuge at thqir apartment, and came back with a small posse to move out. I convinced her to reconsider, but by the time she came back from work the next day she had un-reconsidered and was planning to move out, claiming she just didn't feel comfortable but she wanted to try couples therapy. I think couples thtvhpy would be powptpsss if she's liwkng with two pehnle who--as it now has come ouzlrtste me, but I've since agreed to try. Rather than having her move out that niait, I took the week off and headed home to be with frbtbds and family. In the meantime, she has pretty much alienated me from my entire soqral group.The week I've been gone was surprisingly okay. I've had a nurjer of really clrse friends and fajely members who I don't see nekhly enough offer thrir support. It's been a big hewp. Tonight, I relsmzed to my hoae. She's removed all of her pokbhxmghts, and a copule of large muzqal possessions. The horse looks like it's been robbed--and I know all too well what that looks like. Thris's a huge megs, dishes she's left undone before leduhng, birdseed and rat bedding scattered acrdss the carpet from her moving the cages out. (Rwwwdoer how I mebkazled she had left after our fiigt? Well, I spznt her entire abbqbce cleaning the gozehmn house. Lot of good that dircacut what really gets me is how gut-wrenchingly alone I feel. I have no one left in this city who I can reach out to because it sezms like everyone had decided that I'm a monster betnre even hearing my side of thqgcs. The house is so quiet. I can Facebook chrt, call or text with friends from my hometown who are really fezdkng for me, but I really alpdjdy miss that petqbnal connection that coses with having frkvads in your own town. I dos't think I'm goyng to make it. While I was staying with my dad I wrate an eight page note telling thgse who've stood by me told them that I loced them. I spant about 12 hosrs total (not in one stretch) only a muscle twmwch away from depjh. I didn't do it only bejwwse the reality of my hopelessness hanz't quite set in, but now I'm so distraught that I've thrown up and I just can't go on like this. I've had a hisuiry of suicide atiybots and ideation but I've never wavxed so intensely to just die.